It was Mother's Day 2012. Earlier in the week I had been having abdominal pain so I went to the emergency room. I was told that my uterine fibroids were enlarged and one was the size of a grapefruit. The small company I worked for did not offer health insurance and at that time I could not afford it out of pocket due to pre-existing conditions. Companies were turning me down left and right anyway. Even though I was a seasoned nurse I had no idea how bad things really were. A few days later I woke up with a fever, my abdomen was tender and distended. It felt as if I had appendicitis. I called a friend to help me get Sienna to school so I could go back to the emergency room. What the doctor's told changed my life forever.
The four fibroids had outgrown their blood supply and they were decomposing inside of me. I was septic and needed an emergency hysterectomy. I had no issue with that because I knew the situation was life and death and I already had the one child I wanted. So I told the doctor to do what needed to be done. Unfortunately it was not that simple. I did not have health insurance and they would not perform the surgery. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I pleaded with them. I knew what my fate could be if I did not get treatment. They referred me to a women's center for the under/uninsured (the next available appointment was July) and sent me home. They sent me home to die.
When I got home I fell on my couch and screamed out to God. I yelled at Him to not let me die. I had a child to raise. I then called my father whom I had an estranged relationship with and told him what happened. He told me to get to him quick so that he could make sure I got the treatment I needed. At that time I lived two hours away from him. He suffered from his own disability and was unable to come and get me. Besides I could not just up and leave. Who was going to take care of Sienna? I called her father and gave him an update. I needed him. We needed him. I just knew he would come through. We had just taken a wonderful "family" vacation to Orlando the month before. Well, as usual he couldn't be there. This time it was because he was in school. I told him that Sienna had one more week left in kindergarten. He stood by his decision. I was furious! What was I going to do?
I did what any mother should do. I relied on God for help. When Sienna got home from after school care I let her know I was going to get my "tummy fixed" and I would be gone for a while. I didn't sleep a wink. I held her and prayed all night. I was so scared. I could not get to my dad's until the next morning due to having to secure childcare. I didn't know how long I was going to be gone. If it weren't for my friends and my disabled mother who lived four hours away I don't know what I would've done. Once all of that was taking care of I drove myself the two hours to my hometown. As I made the drive alone I felt absolutely no pain and no fear. However, once I got there my body was worn out. My condition deteriorated quickly. I was immediately rushed to the hospital and the real fight for my life began.
The doctors fought the infection with antibiotics for three days before they could perform the surgery. Those were the absolute worst days of my life. I was unable to walk, turn over in bed, or go to the bathroom on my own. The pain was unbearable but I had a fear of becoming hooked on the pain medication so I bore the pain as much as possible. I had an allergic reaction to some of the medications and one of them burned my veins badly whenever it was infused. Alone in the hospital, I had no visitors, no friends, and no family. My child was hours away wondering what's going on with Mommy. It was just me and God. I had never prayed so hard in my life. Once the surgery was done I stayed in the hospital for another four days. My best friend, who lived in the same town as Sienna's father came to help me on the sixth day. He still was a no show even after being told she was coming. During my hospital stay he actually used every opportunity to kick me while I was down. I had no idea until recently he was a narcissist with a vendetta against women.
Fast forward two months. My relationship with Sienna's father was nonexistent. We only talked when it pertained to our child. I was all healed and really just trying to focus on getting back on my feet financially. Being out of work for so long hit me hard. My savings went quick and I had no other source of income, not even child support. A friend of mine that I had known for two years invited me to her housewarming party. She wanted me to meet her brother-in-law. I really wasn't interested in meeting anyone new. When I finally met her brother-in-law he was a breath of fresh air. He knew The Word and had a wonderful presence about him. It was instant attraction on what we both felt like was a spiritual level. Our children clicked and got along well. Two weeks later he met my folks, my dad liked him (that's a rarity) but was concerned about the speed of our courtship because he asked to marry me. Of course my dad did not give his blessing but he knew I was going to do it anyway.
Two weeks after meeting my dad and step-mom we got married by a notary. I couldn't believe I finally had a husband. My very own person who vowed to be with me through sickness and health. I would never have to worry about who would care for my child if I got sick again. My knight in shining armor had finally arrived. A few days later I told Sienna's father I had gotten married. He told me congratulations and later texted "I am happy for you. You deserve it." I really wasn't expecting him to say anything else. I really didn't care what he thought at that moment.
Deep in my heart I knew I made a mistake. A mistake out of fear and desperation. My husband felt the same way but he just didn't say it directly.We did the best we could to make it work. As Christians we did not want to get a divorce. He had been married for 16 years prior to meeting me and already had a divorce under his belt. This was my first marriage and I didn't want to be a failure. We stayed together for a total of 92 days, we sought counseling, and really did our best before we called it quits. Our issues, our baggage, and not having healed pasts got in the way.We decided to end things before we made a mess of our kids. I felt like an idiot. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt so unworthy and low. The abyss opened up again and few months later like a fool I was back with Sienna's father. It's amazing where low self esteem and not wanting to deal with your issues will lead you.
Have you ever been desperate? Or as the younger generation says, have you ever been thirsty? So thirsty to where nothing could quench it? In John 4:14 Jesus said "But anyone who drinks the water I give will never be thirsty again." Try Him at his Word. I did and I can truly see a difference in my life. It's been 9 months since I've ended things with Sienna's father and I have no intentions of going back. I'm sorting myself out and focusing on God and my daughter. That's why I blog. Sure loneliness comes. There are days it would be nice to have someone special, but I know I am never alone for He is always with me and will never leave nor desert me (Deuteronomy 31:8)
****Next week Commandment #5 Thou Shall Tame Thy Tongue****
You´re certainly very brave Ariel. Great post as usual.
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Cori thank you. I get by with God's grace.
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