Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Thou Shall Trust The Process

I appreciate all of you taking the time to read my blog. My postings have not been as consistent due to me starting a new job. Or should I say a new career. Back in May I quit a job that was meeting my financial needs but was stealing me away from my child. When I gave my notice I didn't even have a job waiting for me. To be honest I hadn't even started looking. It was after much prayer and consideration I decided to follow Commandment #8 Thou Shall Trust The Process. 

I know many of you are thinking that I was nuts for leaving a job without securing a new one. For those who know me it was completely out of character for me. I'm the type of woman who always has a plan B, C, and D! I try to look at a situation from all angles while weighing out my options. What can I say I like to have all my bases covered.  I must admit that this time I didn't and the results have been phenomenal. 

How was I able to step out on unshakable faith? First of all I look at how far He has brought me and my daughter. His past performance is indicative of what He will do in the future. Second, I know what certain scriptures say about His plan for my life. Not only do I have them committed to memory but I have them written on my heart. If there is nothing else I believe in life the following I am sure of:

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me If I trust in The Lord with with every fiber of my being and I take time to simply thank Him and give Him glory in everything I do He will lead me the right way. 

Before I quit my job I told my best friend that I was tired of nursing (for multiple reasons) and felt as if God was calling me for something greater and different. I just didn't know what. I had been a nurse for 14 years. I never thought the day would come I would be wanting to leave it behind. How? When? There was so much uncertainty. I needed a Monday through Friday from 9:00am to 5:00pm schedule, no holidays, no on-call responsibility, flexibility, and a salary that would meet my needs. I had a laundry list of "must haves" but that's the life of a single mom when you're a one woman band. 

A few days after turning in my two weeks notice I filled out applications online. I submitted my résumé to various nursing jobs but I had absolutely no desire to really do any of them. One day I got a call from a recruiter. They received my résumé I submitted for the telephonic registered nurse position. The position I applied for was not what I wanted but it was what I needed. I really couldn't see myself nursing over the phone in a cubicle at a call center. I really like interacting with people in person. Out of all the applications I put in this company was interested. I went to the interview and something amazing happened. The offered me a position that best suited my personality and work style. 

The entire summer went by before I could start my new career. I picked up what shifts I could through a nursing agency so that I could have some income coming in. I pretty much took things day by day. I would be dishonest if I said I didn't get frustrated and discouraged but I just kept hold to the promises of God. It's pretty scary when you are the sole financial provider and you have little to no income. 

A scripture I kept at the front of my mind was God will supply all of my needs according to His riches and glory (Philippians 4:19). When I recite a scripture I personalize it. I own it. I make it mine. It holds that much more weight to me. I do believe it makes God smile when we believe what He says and we trust Him. He likes to be taken at His word. He is not a man so He doesn't and He can't lie (Numbers 23:19)! 

These past three months God did more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Not only did He meet my needs but I learned how to live on less. I've always wanted to do it but just never tried. Due to finances being tight I couldn't go all out for Sienna's birthday like I usually do. I YouTubed a recipe for a princess castle cake and made it myself with my BFF's help. It wasn't perfect but it was made with love and it tasted great. I wish I had a piece now. 

My mom was able to make it to the party. This was extra special because she had never been to one of Sienna's parties before. Mom took her on a shopping spree for school clothes and my neighbor gave her more clothes than I have room for. Truthfully this is nowhere near all of the blessings that have come my way. I would be here all day telling you guys about them. 

The time off this summer was not all about me and what I gained. I chose to use the time to start my blog as well as a support group for single moms. I have had the honor of collaborating with my big little brother, Jay Mayo of Right to R.E.A.L Love. He asked me to be a guest speaker on an upcoming podcast in September regarding forgiving a sibling who has betrayed you. I hope you all will listen. I will be posting the link soon so that if you don't or can't subscribe to the podcast you will have access to it. 

The blessings of The Most High God are ours. All we have to do is agree and walk in to them. Open your hearts and your minds to the endless possibilities that come through God and have faith. 

***Later this week Commandment #8 Thou Shall Teach The Word***

Monday, August 18, 2014

Thou Shall Communicate

When I was 12 years old my mother sent me to live with my father (that's another post for another time). Things did not turn out the way she expected regarding my father's promises of visitation. As a result we had to maintain our relationship via telephone and letters. Commandment #7 Thou Shall Communicate was very important.

I've always been able to tell my mother anything without fear of judgement. Even if it was something about her she allowed me to verbalize what was on my mind. My mother is a very gentle woman. It takes a lot to make her mad. I must admit that I was not always careful of my choice of words with her. Though she was my mother she was not there physically after I went to live with my father so I viewed her as a big sister or an older friend. On the flip side because she and I were so close emotionally there were things she knew about my life that my father did not know. She didn't judge me and didn't hold things over my head. Don't get me wrong she never upheld me in any wrong doing. If there was something my father needed to know she told him. My mother did not keep secrets from him. 

Remember when your child was a baby and they started to cry. You had to run down the check list to figure out what was wrong. Were they hungry, tired, or needed a new diaper? The same principle applies to older children except needing a new diaper is replaced with them needing your attention or ear.When Sienna is being cranky/bossy and the first three items on the list are satisfied I know that she needs to talk. There is something she needs to get off her chest. Proverbs 4:5&7 says that wisdom is best and that we should get an understanding no matter what the cost is. When I hear the words, "Mom I need to talk to you." I give her the attention she needs. If I can't talk to her right then I give her a time frame and I stick to it. 

There are times Sienna says things that I don't want to hear. She even makes statements out of frustration and I have to let her know that I will not tolerate her tone or choice of words. How else is she supposed to learn what is acceptable speech and what isn't? As a parent it is my duty to teach her as much as I can before the world does. I often tell her you may not get it now but you will understand later. It is important to me that we keep an open line of communication. When she gets curious about sex/boys, yeah I said it because the day will come, I want her to talk to me. 

I know what it's like to not have a voice as a child. Somewhere in the unwritten code of parenting children are not allowed to verbalize their concerns or fears. At least in my father's house I couldn't. That is why I always encourage Sienna to share what is on her mind. I want her to know that keeping feelings bottled up inside is unhealthy. I wish I could say that we are always able to sit down and talk things out calmly. But then again she is only 7 and I am human. We do the best we can. 


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Thou Shall Break Generational Curses

There is no such thing as the perfect family. Every family has their issues. What makes a family thrive and survive is the way those problems are handled. Not everyone has had the priviledge of growing up in a household devoid of dysfunction. I know I sure didn't. My poor family had more issues than the Southern Living magazine and we didn't handle them very well. When I decided to have my own family I knew I had to put Commandment #6 Thou Shall Break Generational Curses into play.

Growing up infidelity plagued both sides of my family. Having multiple partners or stepping out on their spouses was the norm for my male relatives. In a family dominated by males women weren't valued and were treated as objects to be used and discarded. As a result many of the women in my family do not value themselves and tolerate the use and abuse that is rendered to them. I can say this was my problem for many years. That is why I tolerated my child's father's behavior for so long. I was essentially groomed for a man just like him. My up bringing was also the root cause of me never respecting a man either.

When I moved back to South Carolina six months after giving birth I was under the illusion that my family had changed over the years. I hadn't been in contact with anyone except my father for three years. I made the mistake of thinking because I knew and wanted better that they desired the same thing. WRONG! Everything was just as it was when I was growing up. I couldn't believe it. Do people ever change? I felt as if I jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I took me and my daughter from the situation with her father into an equally destructive one with my family. The insults and verbal abuse were still prevalent. One day my father yelled and cussed at me while I was holding Sienna. She started to cry. I thought to myself, I'm 28 years old and a mother. I don't have to take this crap anymore! I didn't want my daughter to grow up the way that I did. So nine months after moving back to my hometown I packed up and moved without notice two hours away to a town where I didn't know anyone. I didn't even tell my family I was leaving.

The move proved to be very beneficial. Without having someone there to fall back on I had to learn to trust God. There were many obstacles I had to overcome. Raising a baby alone without any help was more than challenging. I developed strength, character, and learned to trust my own instincts. I may have been 28 years old chronologically but I was really a lot younger than that mentally. I was forced to grow up. I stumbled a long the way. I made mistakes. Mistakes that my over protective father didn't allow me to make when I was younger. You can't shield your children from the world.

Sienna and I lived in that town for seven years. In that time frame I built stable and healthy friendships with women and men. I got to know myself and others. More importantly I got to know God and was able to see what He could do in my life. I became a first time homeowner and still have that home to this day. My daughter grew up in a stable environment that was filled with love. The experiences gained were exactly what I needed. No Sienna doesn't have the benefit of growing with up with my side of her family but that is perfectly ok. She knows who they are and loves them just the same. I do not speak ill of them. I actually communicate with and visit some of my siblings. For the ones that I don't we have a mutual understanding that we live different lifestyles. My daughter will not grow up thinking that just because someone is family you need to tolerate their shenanigans. There are plenty of difficult people in the world from which she can learn life's lessons from. A dysfunctional family doesn't need to make a contribution.

In Genesis 12:1-4 The Lord told Abram (Abraham) "Leave your country and your people. Leave your father's family. Go to the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation. I will bless you. I will make your name great. You will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you. I will put a curse on anyone who brings down a curse on you. All nations on earth will be blessed because of you." This scripture sums up the story of my life. I do not regret the time I did not spend with my family. It was essential for my growth. I currently live in a city now in which I have no family. But I have a wonderful God fearing best friend who is like a sister to me. Proverbs 18:24 says a friend sticks closer than a brother and that is true because sometimes all you share with family is DNA.

****Next Week Commandment #7 Thou Shall Communicate****

Monday, August 11, 2014

Thou Shall Tame Thy Tongue

Getting angry and saying things you would regret later were well apart of my childhood. It was much easier for my dad and step-mom to express their anger towards me than their love. Some of the things they said to me I could never say to a child, especially my own. Like I've said before, To hurt her would be to hurt me. That is why I parent by Commandment # 5 Thy Shall Tame Thy Tongue.

It is true that the way we're raised has an impact on us as adults. Verbal abuse was very much apart of my relationship with my daughter's father. During heated arguments I was quick to call him names. Names that I knew would cut deep and jab at his manhood. I was hurt by his actions or should I say lack thereof and I wanted him to feel it. All of our arguments used to be the knock down drag out type via text. Those to me are the absolute worst because your target is not in front of you. You do not see the reactions or the pain on their faces. With my quick temper, quick mind, and quick fingers I used to send some pretty mean texts in a matter of seconds. During an argument not too long ago I realized that that would be our last.

Not once in all the years we have known each other had Sienna's dad ever called me anything but Ariel. I'm not saying he didn't engage or fight back. So don't go feeling sorry for him just yet. He just never called me a name. His tactic was emotional abuse via stonewalling and withholding affection. I must admit that it really bothered me. My parents were masters of this. So what was the eye opener for me you ask? Late one night as I lay in bed all of a sudden I began to cry. I thought about all of the things I'd said to him over the years. The names I'd called him and how I tried to emasculate him. I had felt the very pain I was trying to inflict. In the past I have apologized to him for the things I have said , but apologies mean nothing if you keep repeating the behavior. The last time we argued I promised myself  it would be the last. Trust me when I tell you that he has given me plenty of opportunities for me to revert to my old ways but I refuse to take the bait. Instead I look at it as an opportunity for God to shine and for my true repentance to show.

I also use Commandment #5 in my parenting by choosing my words carefully with Sienna. She has such a tender spirit and words affect her deeply. It is not hard to kill the spirit of a child. The wrong word at the right time can do irreparable damages. I even have to be careful when I make statements like, "Stop acting like a baby." She gets so upset, cries, and tells me, "Stop calling me that. I'm not a baby." I used to try to get her to see that I wasn't calling her a baby and that she was acting like one. But you know what? Her perception is her reality and if that's what she thinks then that is what it is to her. I really had to humble myself and apologize to her. Unlike me with my folks she didn't stand there and take it. She stood up for herself. She was not disrespectful about it but she let me know she was not going to have me putting her down. Would it really kill me to rephrase my statements? Absolutely not!

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that the the power of life and death are in our very own mouths. I want my daughter and others around me to be empowered by my words. I'm not perfect and there are moments when I want to throw people a good tongue lashing but I don't. Why? If you continue to read the previous mentioned scripture it says that those who love to talk will eat the fruit of their words. Now that's some serious food for thought.

If you are having issues with what you say and you let your anger and frustration get the best of you study James 3:1-11. It speaks about the tongue corrupting the entire body as well as our lives. Ask The Father to help you. I'm a witness. If He can tame my tongue of destruction and damnation he can surely do it for you.

****Later this week Commandment # 6 Thou Shall Break Generational Curses****

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Thou Shall Not Be Desparate

When I truly had the revelation of the unconditional love of Christ the massive black hole of my life was filled.  I have always been aware of His love for me. I just never fully grasped the concept and allowed it to take root. I was always searching. No one ever told me about Commandment #4 Thou Shall Not Be Desperate

It was Mother's Day 2012. Earlier in the week I had been having abdominal pain so I went to the emergency room. I was told that my uterine fibroids were enlarged and one was the size of a grapefruit. The small company I worked for did not offer health insurance and at that time I could not afford it out of pocket due to pre-existing conditions. Companies were turning me down left and right anyway. Even though I was a seasoned nurse I had no idea how bad things really were. A few days later I woke up with a fever, my abdomen was tender and distended. It felt as if I had appendicitis. I called a friend to help me get Sienna to school so I could go back to the emergency room. What the doctor's told changed my life forever.

The four fibroids had outgrown their blood supply and they were decomposing inside of me. I was septic and needed an emergency hysterectomy. I had no issue with that because I knew the situation was life and death and I already had the one child I wanted. So I told the doctor to do what needed to be done. Unfortunately it was not that simple. I did not have health insurance and they would not perform the surgery. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I pleaded with them. I knew what my fate could be if  I did not get treatment. They referred me to a women's center for the under/uninsured (the next available appointment was July) and sent me home. They sent me home to die.

When I got home I fell on my couch and screamed out to God. I yelled at Him to not let me die. I had a child to raise. I then called my father whom I had an estranged relationship with and told him what happened. He told me to get to him quick so that  he could make sure I got the treatment I needed. At that time I lived two hours away from him. He suffered from his own disability and was unable to come and get me. Besides I could not just up and leave. Who was going to take care of Sienna? I called her father and gave him an update. I needed him. We needed him. I just knew he would come through. We had just taken a wonderful "family" vacation to Orlando the month before. Well, as usual he couldn't be there. This time it was because he was in school. I told him that Sienna had one more week left in kindergarten. He stood by his decision. I was furious! What was I going to do?

I did what any mother should do. I relied on God for help. When Sienna got home from after school care I let her know I was going to get my "tummy fixed" and I would be gone for a while. I didn't sleep a wink. I held her and prayed all night. I was so scared. I could not get to my dad's until the next morning due to having to secure childcare. I didn't know how long I was going to be gone. If it weren't for my friends and my disabled mother who lived four hours away I don't know what I would've done. Once all of that was taking care of I drove myself the two hours to my hometown. As I made the drive alone I felt absolutely no pain and no fear. However, once I got there my body was worn out. My condition deteriorated quickly. I was immediately rushed to the hospital and the real fight for my life began.

The doctors fought the infection with antibiotics for three days before they could perform the surgery. Those were the absolute worst days of my life. I was unable to walk, turn over in bed, or go to the bathroom on my own. The pain was unbearable but I had a fear of becoming hooked on the pain medication so I bore the pain as much as possible. I had an allergic reaction to some of the medications and one of them burned my veins badly whenever it was infused. Alone in the hospital, I had  no visitors, no friends, and no family. My child was hours away wondering what's going on with Mommy. It was just me and God. I had never prayed so hard in my life. Once the surgery was done I stayed in the hospital for another four days. My best friend, who lived in the same town as Sienna's father came to help me on the sixth day. He still was a no show even after being told she was coming. During my hospital stay he actually used every opportunity to kick me while I was down. I had no idea until recently he was a narcissist with a vendetta against women.

Fast forward two months. My relationship with Sienna's father was nonexistent. We only talked when it pertained to our child. I was all healed and really just trying to focus on getting back on my feet financially. Being out of work for so long hit me hard. My savings went quick and I had no other source of income, not even child support. A friend of mine that I had known for two years invited me to her housewarming party. She wanted me to meet her brother-in-law. I really wasn't interested in meeting anyone new. When I finally met her brother-in-law he was a breath of fresh air. He knew The Word and had a wonderful presence about him. It was instant attraction on what we both felt like was a spiritual level. Our children clicked and got along well. Two weeks later he met my folks, my dad liked him (that's a rarity) but was concerned about the speed of our courtship because he asked to marry me. Of course my dad did not give his blessing but he knew I was going to do it anyway.

Two weeks after meeting my dad and step-mom we got married by a notary. I couldn't believe I finally had a husband. My very own person who vowed to be with me through sickness and health. I would never have to worry about who would care for my child if I got sick again. My knight in shining armor had finally arrived. A few days later I told Sienna's father I had gotten married. He told me congratulations and later texted "I am happy for you. You deserve it."  I really wasn't expecting him to say anything else. I really didn't care what he thought at that moment.

Deep in my heart I knew I made a mistake. A mistake out of fear and desperation. My husband felt the same way but he just didn't say it directly.We did the best we could to make it work. As Christians we did not want to get a divorce. He had been married for 16 years prior to meeting me and already had a divorce under his belt. This was my first marriage and I didn't want to be a failure. We stayed together for a total of 92 days, we sought counseling, and really did our best before we called it quits. Our issues, our baggage, and not having healed pasts got in the way.We decided to end things before we made a mess of our kids. I felt like an idiot. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt so unworthy and low. The abyss opened up again and few months later like a fool I was back with Sienna's father. It's amazing where low self esteem and not wanting to deal with your issues will lead you.

Have you ever been desperate? Or as the younger generation says, have you ever been thirsty? So thirsty to where nothing could quench it? In John 4:14 Jesus said "But anyone who drinks the water I give will never be thirsty again."  Try Him at his Word. I did and I can truly see a difference in my life. It's been 9 months since I've ended things with Sienna's father and I have no intentions of going back. I'm sorting myself out and focusing on God and my daughter. That's why I blog. Sure loneliness comes. There are days it would be nice to have someone special, but I know I am never alone for He is always with me and will never leave nor desert me (Deuteronomy 31:8)


****Next week Commandment #5 Thou Shall Tame Thy Tongue****

Monday, August 4, 2014

Thou Shall Love Unconditionally

As we continue the series The 10 Commandments of Parenting I would like to thank all of you for your support and encouragement. It is the love of God and family that fuels my desire to see other's lives changed. It is at this time I would like to introduce to you Commandment #3 Thou Shall Love Unconditionally

How many of us can honestly say that we've experienced unconditional love? You know the genuine, heartfelt, no matter what you do or say, no matter what comes our way I am going to love you kind of love. One of my favorite songs when I was a teenager was "Can You Stand The Rain" by New Edition. It was a question that was unanswered all of my life until I built a relationship with Jesus. As a child I only felt loved by my father and step-mom when I was making good grades or not getting into trouble. It was not uncommon for my parents to hold a grudge against me for days or maybe even weeks at time for being disobedient. And people wondered why I was incapable of forming healthy relationships. Well there you go.

I will never forget the time my father found out I had become sexually active as a teenager. Not only did he ground me for a year. Yes people, a whole year! He wouldn't speak to me for weeks. Whenever he would see me he looked at me as if I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoes. As a result I made it my business to be in my room and out of his way whenever he was home. If I heard his car pull into the garage I would immediately stop what I was doing and go into my room. The fact that he hated the sight of me hurt worse than any year long punishment. My step-mom was of no support nor a place of refuge. It seemed as if she enjoyed when my father and I were at odds.

I can't even began to think of anything that Sienna has done or could do to make me withhold love from her. Even on her worst day when she is pushing me to my limit I am still able to punish her with love. She is my child who I birth from my body. To hurt her would hurt me. I don't hold things she has done over her head. I deal with the issue accordingly and we move forward. I can honestly say that she and I do not go to bed angry. Will it always be that way? I am not sure but I hope so.

There are so many things we need to give our children. Unconditional love is one of them. However, it is impossible to give what you have yet to experience for yourself. John 3:16 says "God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son so that we could have eternal life." If that isn't the biggest illustration of unconditional love then I don't know what is.

Moms, I urge you. Love your children. Love them the way God loves you. You are the first encounter they will have with The Father. You are the god of their young lives. It is an essential part of parenting that we love unconditionally because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).


****Later this week Commandment #4 Thou Shall Not Be Desperate****