Keep It Moving

I never saw myself not being with the father of my child. I did not have the blessing of growing up with happily married parents. I've never even had my parents at the same dinner table.  I couldn't understand why? But God has a way of providing me with the much needed answers that my folks could not give.

I met my daughter's father 8 years ago. It was the typical, woman meets man (I use both terms loosely), they date over a period of time, woman thinks she's found the one, and soon thereafter here comes baby. Unfortunately, there was no happily ever after. Is there really ever? Things began to unravel by my third trimester. I knew we weren't going to make it. So I prepped myself as best as I could to be a single a mom. It was the best move I could have ever made. The drama of living near her father daily was more than I could handle. He was barely coming to see us. It was as if she did not exist. Something had changed, he wasn't communicating and I was furious. I felt like used toilet paper to put it lightly. When he did come around I had a nasty attitude and we argued.

 One night we were arguing. Sienna, who was 6 months old, was in her carrier on the floor between us and she started to cry.  He threw the key to my place on the table and walked out. Did he just break up with me? I comforted my crying child and in that moment I knew I had to put some distance between us. At 3:00 am on a Monday night I called my dad and told him I wanted to move back home to South Carolina. I told my daughter's father I was going to be gone by the end of the week. He didn't ask why. He didn't ask me to stay. He acted like he didn't care. I spent the entire week packing my apartment while caring for an infant who had the flu. He did nothing to help. To be honest I didn't expect nor want him to for a number of reasons. What he did do was cry on my shoulder on our last night in town and asked that I not let our daughter forget about him. I can honestly say that I felt absolutely no emotion. I had no remorse for taking my daughter away from him. I was a woman on a mission. In my mind I was on my own as a first time mother and  it was do or die time.

 Even after moving away I still maintained an on again and off again relationship with my daughter's father out  fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of having my baby girl around a new man. Fear of being like my parents. Fear of the future and the unknown. I can't tell you how many times I heard that I never gave him a chance to be a father and that I just took the baby away. He played off those fears and I allowed it. Yes, folks we must be self accountable. I can't cast all blame on him. My father, who calls it like he sees it, told me, "You really need to leave him alone. One of these days you are going thank him for the sperm and you will go on about your business."  I must admit I was hurt when he said that. Against my better judgement I set out to prove him wrong. Well, he ended up being right.

We lived in South Carolina for 7 years when things started changing for me career wise. Sienna hated being away from her father and so did I. It also seemed as if we were in a pretty decent place in our relationship. I had been planning on moving back to Florida anyway for reasons other than him. So I put my home on the market and set out for the Sunshine State. Please make no mistake. This move was not like the last one. I've learned to pray about things before putting plans into motion. There were so many concerns. Was I making a mistake? Will we really be the family I always wanted to have? Will we really make it against all odds?  God's word says we shouldn't worry about anything pray and tell the Father what we need (Philippians 4:6-7). Well, I needed peace and clarity. I asked and that's exactly what I got. A few days before moving God let me know that we weren't going to make it as a family. I knew that I was really moving back to Florida to close a door that I left wide open almost 8 years ago and I was at peace with that. Around 2 months after my move I saw that time had stood still for my daughter's father. He was exactly the same person he was when I had my daughter. The arguing, the sneakiness, and the drama were still present in his life. I was above that mess and my child deserved better. Thank God I didn't move in with him because one night I sat calmly on his bed and broke it off for good.

My journey reminds me of the story of Lot’s wife (Genesis 19:1-26). Sodom was a city that was corrupt with sexual immorality (my relationship with my child's father). Things were so out of control God decided to destroy it. Prior to doing so He told Lot to get his family together and leave because destruction was coming. God not only gave a warning but He gave specific instructions as well. God told them where to go for safety and He told them to not look back. Lot’s wife disobeyed and when she looked back she turned into a pillar of salt. I had spent so many years looking back! I couldn't believe that I gave someone almost a decade of my life who really didn't deserve it. It has been 9 months since the final break up. I'm still here, right on the other side of town. He deals with Sienna when it suits him and his schedule. As I said before, my father was right. I have truly thanked him for my daughter and I have officially moved on with my life. So much growth has occurred since that day. Doors and opportunities have come my way that I may have missed had I been wallowing in the past. Who knew? I have come to learn that there is reward in obedience to God. Looking back is not even an option for me. Life is moving forward. It is important to forget what is in the past and look towards the future (Philippians 3:13). I am not implying that we shouldn't learn from our past, only a fool wouldn't do so. What I am saying is we should get the lesson and get out.

What is stopping you from moving forward with your life? Are you constantly looking in life’s rear view mirror at what could have been or what used to be?  Are you hanging on to a relationship for the sake of your child(ren) though it's not God's best for neither of you? You won’t turn into salt if you stay stuck in your past but you will miss out on many blessings for your life. Breaking up is hard to do but you have to keep it moving.