Thou Shall Not Compare

Being a parent can be stressful at times. For some of us single moms that is a true understatement. Working, raising a child alone, and maintaining my home can be overwhelming. Sometimes it seems as if others have it easier than I do and that brings me to Commandment #2: Thou Shall Not Compare.

I don't know about anyone else but Satan loves to attack my mind with doubt and fear. The dialogue used to go like this:

Him: Look at that husband and wife over there. Where's your man?
Me: Dang. I had one shot to get it right and look how I did it.


Him: She's a stay at home mom and doesn't have to work. You are worn out.
Me: Yeah. I wish I didn't have to work. I'm tired all the time.

Him: You know your experience with your step mom was not that great.
Me: Nobody will ever love my daughter as if she is theirs. That's rare.

I think you get my point. I used to get so caught up in comparing my life to others to the point I wasn't thankful for the life I had. As I continue my walk with Christ I've learned to make positive affirmations over my life. That is why we need to read God's Word so that we can say what He says.

When the attacks come I respond in a different way. You wanna know how?

Him: Look at that husband and wife over there. Where's your man/family?
Me: It's all good. We are a family. The two of us! God sent Boaz to Ruth (Book of Ruth) and I know mine is on the way. Wait for it...

Him: She's a stay at home mom and doesn't have to work. You are worn out.
Me: I will not grow weary in my well doing because I will reap my harvest when God sees fit. (Galatians 6:9) Thank You Lord for my career. Some parents can't get jobs but with my education and skills I have options!

Him: You know your experience with your step mom wasn't that great.
Me: I've asked Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Our Provider) for an Ephesians 5 man. Enough said!

Please make no mistake that it's a one and done situation. These are confessions I have to make on the regular; especially if I'm going through a financial struggle or feeling lonely. I have enough self awareness to know that it is at those times I am more likely to compare. I honestly feel as if God grieves when He hears us complain about our lives. Think about how you feel when your child compares the life you provide to their friends'. They sound pretty ungrateful don't they?


****Next week Commandment #3 Thou Shall Love Unconditionally***

Thou Shall Know Thy Child

This post marks the first of  a series I'd like to call The 10 Commandments of Parenting. I'm not a parenting expert nor do I proclaim to be one. However, there are a few principles that I live by when it comes to raising my little one.

The other evening I was having dinner with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in 2 years. She shared with my best friend and I a truly outrageous story my daughter told her. As she told the story I gave my best friend a side ways glance. We both rolled our eyes and said, "That's not true." My friend was so convinced that what my daughter had said was accurate. She kept saying "But that's what she told me. Now why would she say that out of the blue?" All I could do was shake my head. My best friend said, "You don't know her like we do." I know what some of you may be thinking. How could I be so casual about something that clearly has someone else so worked up? First of all, it was not an allegation of abuse nor neglect and second of all I live by Commandment #1: Thou Shall Know Thy Child.

Sienna has always been one who loves to get reactions out of people. She thrives on being the center of attention and is very aware of how to go about getting it. This is the same child who at 5 years old told me she wanted to be an actress and that she is going to live in L.A and New York. Here we are 3 years later and she still hasn't changed her confession. I taught her early to speak into existence what she desires (Romans 4:17).

I'm a parent who is not in denial about her child and attention seeking behavior. She's an only child of a single mother; it is kind of par for the course. Since I am aware of this I am doing my due diligence and working with The Father to get her on the right track. When I stop and think I can honestly say that I've seen serious progress with my big girl. Will the desire for attention ever leave her? I doubt it. She just needs to be taught what kind of attention should be desired.

It is critical that parents really know their children and to be honest about their behavior. I hear parents say often, "My child would never do/say that?" and then that same child makes them out of a liar. I've seen it time and time again parents will go to the school and get upset with the teachers when their child has misbehaved. I tell the teachers up front that my daughter is a character and can be a class clown, especially if she is bored. When Sienna is disciplined for disruptive behavior I know she deserves it and I back it up accordingly (Proverbs 29:17). Why...because I know my child.

****Later this week Commandment #2 Thou Shall Not Compare****

Keep It Moving

I never saw myself not being with the father of my child. I did not have the blessing of growing up with happily married parents. I've never even had my parents at the same dinner table.  I couldn't understand why? But God has a way of providing me with the much needed answers that my folks could not give.

I met my daughter's father 8 years ago. It was the typical, woman meets man (I use both terms loosely), they date over a period of time, woman thinks she's found the one, and soon thereafter here comes baby. Unfortunately, there was no happily ever after. Is there really ever? Things began to unravel by my third trimester. I knew we weren't going to make it. So I prepped myself as best as I could to be a single a mom. It was the best move I could have ever made. The drama of living near her father daily was more than I could handle. He was barely coming to see us. It was as if she did not exist. Something had changed, he wasn't communicating and I was furious. I felt like used toilet paper to put it lightly. When he did come around I had a nasty attitude and we argued.

 One night we were arguing. Sienna, who was 6 months old, was in her carrier on the floor between us and she started to cry.  He threw the key to my place on the table and walked out. Did he just break up with me? I comforted my crying child and in that moment I knew I had to put some distance between us. At 3:00 am on a Monday night I called my dad and told him I wanted to move back home to South Carolina. I told my daughter's father I was going to be gone by the end of the week. He didn't ask why. He didn't ask me to stay. He acted like he didn't care. I spent the entire week packing my apartment while caring for an infant who had the flu. He did nothing to help. To be honest I didn't expect nor want him to for a number of reasons. What he did do was cry on my shoulder on our last night in town and asked that I not let our daughter forget about him. I can honestly say that I felt absolutely no emotion. I had no remorse for taking my daughter away from him. I was a woman on a mission. In my mind I was on my own as a first time mother and  it was do or die time.

 Even after moving away I still maintained an on again and off again relationship with my daughter's father out  fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of having my baby girl around a new man. Fear of being like my parents. Fear of the future and the unknown. I can't tell you how many times I heard that I never gave him a chance to be a father and that I just took the baby away. He played off those fears and I allowed it. Yes, folks we must be self accountable. I can't cast all blame on him. My father, who calls it like he sees it, told me, "You really need to leave him alone. One of these days you are going thank him for the sperm and you will go on about your business."  I must admit I was hurt when he said that. Against my better judgement I set out to prove him wrong. Well, he ended up being right.

We lived in South Carolina for 7 years when things started changing for me career wise. Sienna hated being away from her father and so did I. It also seemed as if we were in a pretty decent place in our relationship. I had been planning on moving back to Florida anyway for reasons other than him. So I put my home on the market and set out for the Sunshine State. Please make no mistake. This move was not like the last one. I've learned to pray about things before putting plans into motion. There were so many concerns. Was I making a mistake? Will we really be the family I always wanted to have? Will we really make it against all odds?  God's word says we shouldn't worry about anything pray and tell the Father what we need (Philippians 4:6-7). Well, I needed peace and clarity. I asked and that's exactly what I got. A few days before moving God let me know that we weren't going to make it as a family. I knew that I was really moving back to Florida to close a door that I left wide open almost 8 years ago and I was at peace with that. Around 2 months after my move I saw that time had stood still for my daughter's father. He was exactly the same person he was when I had my daughter. The arguing, the sneakiness, and the drama were still present in his life. I was above that mess and my child deserved better. Thank God I didn't move in with him because one night I sat calmly on his bed and broke it off for good.

My journey reminds me of the story of Lot’s wife (Genesis 19:1-26). Sodom was a city that was corrupt with sexual immorality (my relationship with my child's father). Things were so out of control God decided to destroy it. Prior to doing so He told Lot to get his family together and leave because destruction was coming. God not only gave a warning but He gave specific instructions as well. God told them where to go for safety and He told them to not look back. Lot’s wife disobeyed and when she looked back she turned into a pillar of salt. I had spent so many years looking back! I couldn't believe that I gave someone almost a decade of my life who really didn't deserve it. It has been 9 months since the final break up. I'm still here, right on the other side of town. He deals with Sienna when it suits him and his schedule. As I said before, my father was right. I have truly thanked him for my daughter and I have officially moved on with my life. So much growth has occurred since that day. Doors and opportunities have come my way that I may have missed had I been wallowing in the past. Who knew? I have come to learn that there is reward in obedience to God. Looking back is not even an option for me. Life is moving forward. It is important to forget what is in the past and look towards the future (Philippians 3:13). I am not implying that we shouldn't learn from our past, only a fool wouldn't do so. What I am saying is we should get the lesson and get out.

What is stopping you from moving forward with your life? Are you constantly looking in life’s rear view mirror at what could have been or what used to be?  Are you hanging on to a relationship for the sake of your child(ren) though it's not God's best for neither of you? You won’t turn into salt if you stay stuck in your past but you will miss out on many blessings for your life. Breaking up is hard to do but you have to keep it moving.

Excuse Me. Can You Spare Some Time?

As a child my parents never spent a lot of time with me. They were too busy with their own lives, personal issues and careers. They made sure I never wanted for anything material but I starved for their attention. It wasn't until 2009 I learned one of my love languages is quality time. No wonder there was a huge void in my life for so long. When I became a mother I promised God that more than anything I could provide for my daughter I was going to be sure to give my time.

Sienna will be 8 years old in a few weeks. For 8 years it has been just us two. For a while I was not thrilled, unhappy, and actually thought I did her an injustice by being a single mom. Looking at us now God has surely made things work for my good (Romans 8:28) Since it’s been just the two of us we have been able to form the bond that I did not have with my mother. We do so much together and have an open and honest line of communication. As a result of being this kind of mother I can have an adult life outside of her and not feel guilty. It’s healthy to have balance.

I will never forget an encounter I had 3 years ago while I was shopping on lunch break. I had just enough time to make my purchases and grab some lunch. I was so focused on getting to my next stop I missed an opportunity to be of service to an older lady when she asked for help. She asked me if I knew where the petite section was. I politely told her that I wasn't sure and smiled. The lady apologized for having thought I worked there. But God being the God of second chances offered me another opportunity.

As I hurriedly looked at the clothes I noticed a young girl coming towards me. She was very tall, had an atheletic build and looked scared to death. The girl approached me and said, “I graduate from high school in three hours and I need to find a dress.” Without a thought in my head I sprang into action. This poor child had no idea as to what size dress she wore. She told me size 6…she wore a 12. Her phone kept ringing and with each text and call she became frustrated. She wanted to cry. The young lady told me that it was her grandmother and aunt calling to see if she had found a dress. To make matters worse her older brother purposely kept suggesting not so flattering dresses, so he could get a laugh. She was under so much pressure and was about to crack. I told her not to worry and that we would find something.

While searching the racks we exchanged names and talked about school, her career of choice, and how she never wears dresses. She seemed to relax more. Eventually I asked where were the relatives that kept calling. She said they were out of town about an hour away. I didn't say anything but I became very sad for her. This was her first and only high school graduation and there was no one with her to ensure she was ready. I looked at her hair, it was as if she had just taken off a baseball cap. It was obvious that no one had taken time to teach her. I thought, Where is this child’s mother? I have to help her. In Matthew 25:40 Jesus stated “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

We completed our shopping on time. She was very happy and grateful for my help. The young lady reached out to hug me and when I embraced her I felt an all too familiar feeling. She held me tight and thanked me. I wished her luck and we went our separate ways.

As I type this post tears are streaming down my face. If I had died just one year later when the doctors gave up on me that could have been my child. How many times have you been too busy to help? If it doesn’t affect you do you not get involved? Maybe as a parent you need to spend more time with your child(ren). Surfing the internet on your smartphone while your child watches t.v. is not quality time. If you disagree, just ask them. I'm sure they will tell you the same. We have to remember that life is short and we should make the most of everyday that we have.


Be The Best To Get The Best

   
 Have you ever wondered when it was going to be your turn at something? Do you ever ask: When am I going to get married? When am I going to get a promotion/job? I am pretty sure these and other things are your concern just as much as they are mine. Often times we get so caught up in wanting and waiting for God's best. That's all fine and dandy but what are you doing to ready yourself in the process? In 2009 the question I asked was, God when are You going to send the right person in my life? I didn't get the answer I was expecting. I was told that it wasn't the time and in fact it was going to be a while. At first it was not very encouraging because that was the LAST thing I wanted to hear but I asked God for understanding because Ephesians 5:17 prompts us to not be foolish but to understand what the Lord's will is.

He let me know that who He has planned for my life will be His absolute best. After all my Father's plans are to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). And If indeed I am to receive His best I have to become His best. It was pretty selfish of me to ask for something that I wasn't. I know some of you are thinking that I was little hard on myself. Actually I wasn't, if you really knew me before my growth in Christ, I was a far cry from a Proverbs 31 woman. We should all take some time and do a little personal inventory. You will be surprised at what you will and won't find. WARNING: This is not for the weak, timid, and faint at heart (which all of us are outside of Him). I suggest you let Jesus be your guide.

It has been revealed to me over the years that God has already placed the right people in my life and for now that is all that I need. Since starting this wonderful journey with Christ, He has allowed my life to be graced with so many wonderful people. It is through these relationships I am able to become God's best. Proverbs 27:17 states Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Be mindful of the company you keep. Once again take inventory; some people may need to be purged from your life. It is so easy to hold onto what is familiar even if it's not healthy or helpful.

   

P31 To Be

During my morning work out I noticed a father riding his bike with his toddler son in tow. I thought it was very sweet that they were spending quality time together and he was demonstrating the importance of taking care of his body. As I continued to walk behind them the smell of cigarette smoke filled the air. The father was smoking. Me being a former smoker I was not quick to pass judgement on him. Instead God pressed upon my heart to think about what mixed messages I may be sending my child.

Nothing is more important to me that I raise my daughter to be a Proverbs 31 woman. In a nutshell this type of woman is one who loves the Lord, is patient, humble, cares for her family, and honors her husband. Though I have shown increased patience I still have some ways to go with truly honoring the men in my life.

As I navigate this winding road of co-parenting God has recently opened my eyes to the fact that I am not setting the best example for my little girl. My father raised me to be an independent, take charge type of lady. I will never forget his words to me upon learning I was pregnant. He said, "That's why you have a good education. You can take care of yourself." Given my natural tendency to want to be in control I took his words to heart.

Fast forward eight years I find myself being rather difficult to co-parent with.  If  Sienna's father doesn't do something to my liking there's an issue and I make no bones about it. As much as I try to shield her from our parental disagreements, it doesn't always work. I find myself showing her the exact opposite of honoring the future man in her life as well as her father. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that this is not good.

I'm so thankful for God's grace. He truly corrects those He loves (Proverbs 3:12). Once again my attention has been called to a blind spot in my life. This is another lesson in learning that I don't have to rise to every presumed challenge. Should a situation warrant addressing I need to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) and trust God to be my enforcer.

In My Shoes

Seeing your child hurting is one of the hardest things a parent can endure. The effects are even greater when the pain is a direct result of a decision on your part. Growing up I was merciless on my parents. Though I was not naive to the countless sacrifices they made on my behalf; I was however unaware of the guilt and the pain they may have felt when things did not turn out the way they anticipated. Everyday I realize more and more that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had.

When you are a single parent you feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Being the sole financial provider and emotional support for your child can seem like more than any one person can handle. Every decision big or small can render life or death. The choices are endless, from choosing a companion (if any at all) to deciding where to plant your roots. They are not easy that is why much prayer is required.

 If you are anything like me you may struggle with the guilt that many single mothers feel. Granted Sienna's life is filled with much love and acceptance; I am not foolish to ignore the impact of some of my decisions. Hind sight is truly 20/20. Please make no mistake that one should feel sorry for me. As my grandmother so blatantly put it, I've made my bed hard so I must lie in it. I'm not even saying single mothers deserve a pat on the back or special consideration. For I know in my heart that God's plan for my life is far greater than my past mistakes (Jeremiah 29:11) and that is all the acknowledgement and reassurance that I need. When feelings of doubt creep into my mind, when I feel a decision is one of the most epic fails of all time, I thank God for His grace because His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

As parents some of us spend all of our lives painting a picture of perfection. Children need to know we make mistakes too. Of course they do not need to know all of the details, only what's age appropriate, and things they will understand. Our babies need to hear the words, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake." Be vulnerable and ask for their forgiveness if it is required. Teach them accountability by demonstrating it. Let your life be a sermon to them because before you know it they will be walking in your shoes.

Rest For The Weary

My relaxing dream of napping on the back of a cruise ship is annoyingly interrupted by the blaring sound of my alarm clock. "It's morning already? It feels like I just went to sleep." Turning over I come face to face with my snoring 7 year old who crept into my bed in the middle of the night. Of course she is sleeping soundly and has no intentions of waking up. After all it's only a weekday and we do not have anywhere to go. That could not be farther from the truth. I pull myself together, take my morning medication, which I sometimes forget, and give my sleeping girl a kiss on the cheek. I am quickly met with resistance. She whispers, "Five more minutes Mommy." For the sake of a few more minutes of peace I give in.

Once Sienna is awake she looks at the activities for the day at summer camp. This determines her attitude for the morning and it can be hit or miss. Getting dressed can be a daunting task, nothing fits, and she can't find her socks. Our mornings can be filled with so much drama. Did you know she won an Oscar for her leading role in "Mom I Just Don't Want To Go To Camp Today"?  Don't get me wrong every morning isn't like this. In fact the majority of them go off without a hitch. Nor is this a post to bash my little one. I am merely offering a transparent look into the day of a mother. A mother who does not have a spouse or anyone else to pinch hit for her.

As we drive to camp Sienna is operating on all eight cylinders and wants to play 21 questions as well as have a math bee. After the morning melee I can't want to drop her off so I can work out. Working out is not only for my health and physique, but it's my alone time with God. I know you are probably thinking, at least I get to work out and I should not be complaining. This has not always been the case. With prompting from the Lord I took two months off to focus on myself and my daughter and the pay off has been tremendous.

After my workout I do not have the luxury of going to hang out at home. There's always something to be done. Grocery shopping, washing clothes, paying bills, cleaning the house, and cooking dinner. The list goes on and on. I may make it half way through my tasks when I realize it's almost time to pick Sienna up from camp. I take a breather and prepare myself to switch into mommy mode as I drive. Back in the car Sienna is full of energy and telling me about her day. After dinner, she takes her bath, and we play board games or watch t.v. until bedtime. Going to bed is as much trouble as waking up sometimes. It requires a story, much coaxing, and more protesting than a Civil Rights sit in. Once Sienna is asleep I'm exhausted and soon it will be time to do it all again.

I've been a single mom since day one with very little help from anyone. I've maintained a successful career as well as my household. People often ask how do I get it done. I simply tell them that I don't. God does it. When I stop to think about all that I do on a daily basis I know it is not me. Everything I do is because God gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)